At least my heart is

As ridiculous as this may sound, your heart is capable of feeling emotions and missing things and people and places and memories far more than it should - well, at least my heart is.

The past week has been a week of reflection and recalibration and a reminder on how important it is to take (better) care of myself. It is also a reminder that it is completely possible to care for others and  for yourself both at the same time. I guess I forgot that. But that is okay, sometimes it takes forgetting to remember - yes, sometimes (most of the time) life works in funny ways.

I have missed writing. 

I am not sure why it is taking me this long to get back on here and just...write and I feel like I am about to come up with excuses as to why I have not been writing so let's just stop there.

Anyway.

I asked a few friends some questions on missing someone or anyone, and like many other human beings who seek reassurance, I knew the answer to my questions before I asked them out loud yet I still asked them. First question - is it possible to miss someone/some places/some memories/anything so much your heart feels like it is going to burst because you can't do anything about it? Second question - if you stop saying it out loud that you miss that someone/some places/some memories/anything will you eventually stop missing them? 

Oh well.

Anyway.

Life has been busy and I have always liked being busy. I never know how to deal with idleness - I am always out there, doing things and trying my best to make things happen - but hey sometimes life teaches you things and sometimes these things change you. So I am learning to deal with things I never knew how to, and if there were any advices I could offer, it would be to embrace it all with patience. 

I have missed writing. Maybe I should write about how for the longest time my heart has not fluttered the way it does (not quite) recently, but that is a story for another day.

Till then.

Love,

Filzah R.

Hey, how are you doing?

Honestly, how have you been? I genuinely hope everyone is coping and holding up well no matter how trying things can get.

It has been ages since I last wrote anything - be it on my blog or my journal. I honestly miss writing, so here I am making time to write something.

I have embarked on the journey of a working adult last April, so it has been almost two months now, but it honestly feels like I have been working for two years - I might have exaggerated it, but you get my point. Challenging, testing, exhausting, all at a whole different level, one I have never experienced before. There was one point last month where I was so stressed I cried at the office AND I felt like quitting, which I have never felt before in my entire life. Thinking back, yes I was in a pretty bad shape.

But, I am coping. I am taking each day as a learning process, one day at a time. It is a very difficult thing to do - not letting pressure/situations you are in get to you. It is equally tough to persevere and keep moving forward when you feel like everything in the universe is going against you. But it is not impossible, and you can make it through, and you will. And then things will be tough again, you will struggle again, and you will make through it all again. As you move along, you will grow as a person. So persevere, take everything constructively, and allow yourself to grow. (Writing this as a reminder to myself too)

I am extremely fortunate too to be blessed with amazing colleagues at my workplace. Having them around, a lot of things becomes bearable. I like my office too, and driving in the morning to work is not as bad as I thought it would be. The sunrise sky is always gorgeous - and I have always found the sky comforting.

I guess my point is - things are not as bad as they may seem/we choose to believe. More than often when we are swamped with problems and obstacles, our sight is clouded. And all that we are capable of seeing are our problems. Find ways to clear that clouded sight - surround yourself with positive people, focus on things that are within your control, change your perspective/how you see things, seek the good in people, and most importantly seek guidance and strength from the One who controls everything. (Writing this as a reminder to myself too)

If you are going through rough patches, you will make it through. And good things await you, no matter how unbelievable that may sound.



Love,
Filzah R.

Familiarity

My days have been rather confusing as of late, so today I decided to take a walk down the path I usually take - to work, to classes, to the city. I guess I was trying to seek that feeling of familiarity because I wanted to get away from the unfathomable series of strange emotions, whatever they are, that I have been experiencing. I brought along my camera and took photos of the familiar buildings, junctions, and pedestrian crossing lanes, so I can remember better. Also, because I have missed taking photos using a real camera (been using my iPhone as the substitute).

If any of you curious souls out there are wondering what do I wake up to and how does my neighbourhood look like here in Melbourne, the photos above would be a good help to your imagination.


I like walking alone here. Like I genuinely enjoy walking alone here. It gives me clarity and a sense of reassurance. It also reminds me of the important things I sometimes forget. Today I am reminded that:

1. Patience is truly a virtue.
2. Never give in to anger and rage.
3. There is always beauty if you know where to look at.
4. Remember people's kindness.
5. I am enough. Albeit flawed, I am whole. I am enough.


My goodness, I will terribly miss this city.



Love,
Filzah R.

Little Lesson

This was in my old blog, and I decided to re-post it up on here.

Not too long ago, when I was back in Malaysia for my summer break, I went on a family vacation to Redang Island, Terengganu. I have always enjoyed travelling because I enjoy exploring new places and learning new things. But I guess in the end, the best part about travelling is the humility it teaches.

When I was in Redang Island, my family and I were always attended by this one particular bell person of the resort we stayed at. I don't know his real name, but everyone, including my family and I, called him Pak Uda. Based on my observation (read: flawed judgement), he was probably in his late 30s or early 40s. He was not tall, but not short either. He always wore his smile. He always looked....content. Sincerely content, if I may add. The kind of content that is contagious. I wish Pak Uda knew how much he had taught me about life within my five days stay in Redang Island.

You see, Redang Island is isolated away from the mainland. The villagers there have to go on an almost 2-hours ferry trip to get to the mainland (Terengganu). The village itself only has one road from the jetty, and the resort I stayed at is located at the end of this one road. I did not know Redang Island was this isolated and small, until Pak Uda offered to show us around the village. 

Pak Uda borrowed a van from one of the villagers and drove us around the village...yes on that one humble road. I was so surprised when Pak Uda told us that that one road was the only main road on the island. The questions that came up to my mind were along these lines  -  "Is this all the island has got to offer? No shopping malls? Only small convenience stores? What do the people here do during their free time really? How can they survive?"

But then I realised something. Along the way when Pak Uda was driving us around, we passed by the villagers at the jetty and at the stalls, I realised how content they all looked. Some young folks were fishing by the jetty. Some of the villagers were hanging out outside of their houses with their neighbours, chatting with one another. The old folks were sipping coffee and laughing. The kids were running around happily. All of them looked genuinely...happy. They looked so content with what they had that it made me feel like they did not have any problems in their lives, at all. Then I looked at Pak Uda, and I realised how proud he was when he was showing us around his village. I can still remember him telling us happily while smiling, "Ha, macam ni lah kehidupan orang kampung kat sini hari hari, memang tak ada apa apa sangat". When Pak Uda said that, it just hit me. I don't think he had any idea how much he had taught me about life just by saying that, I wish he knew.

I have learned that these people are content with their lives, with what they have and what they do not have. There I was, foolishly thinking they had so little. I couldn't imagine how they could survive on the island. Little did I know that they have more, so much more than what I could measure with my eyes and my hasty, flawed judgement. It made me realise how much of a slave I am to the material world, forever wanting more, one after another, never enough, that it made me question myself, to what end? Ashamed of myself to be honest, for sometimes forgetting to be grateful and for being greedy. 

I decided to write this down because I know there will come days where I may feel like things are not going right, especially when things are not going the way I want them to, and when those days come, I would like to read this post again and remind myself that I can still be content even when I don't get the things that I want. I want this post to be my personal reminder that it is when I have less that I get to appreciate more. I want this post to remind me that I can have all the things in the world and do not feel content with them because happiness is never in how much we have, it has always been in how we make the most out of what we have, no matter how little they are. 

Till then.

Love,

Filzah R.